My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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