His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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