So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
