In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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