You just made me feel so damn special
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
