when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
