i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
