i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
