I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
