I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
