Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
