Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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