He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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