and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
