Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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