i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
