I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
