State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
