i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
