If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
