and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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