Three words: puerto rican gang bang
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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