Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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