Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
