your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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