I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
