stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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