i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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