Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
