Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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