I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
