Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
