It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
