i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
