I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
