I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
