My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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