Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
