He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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