this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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