Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Randomize
