just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
be right there i have to get my cape
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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