I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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