dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
