just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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