Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
