I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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