yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
