Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
