Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
